Rewind

New Eyes

the last time i wrote i was going nutso thanks to clonazepam withdrawal and had decided to push on through the physical and psychological rollercoaster. i did not decrease my dosage on thursday, january 31, but i did make two appointments with two different psychologists. my first appointment was with a woman on saturday, february 2. this was going to be an interesting experience, i had never been to a psychologist before. some people swear by them, others think it is a waste of time ... what would i decide?

well, after having more painful convulsions and crying fits my first decision was that i was going back on the bloody clonazepam. mentally and physically i wasn't ready for the withdrawal symptoms, especially as the increased convulsions posed a serious threat to my physical health. so by friday, february 1 i was back to taking 4 mg a day and now my body and my brain seem to be balanced out again. i have decided that i will wait until my convulsions and spasms have stopped completely before i try to wean myself off the clonazepam again. and next time, i'm going to take it sloooowly. at least i'll be prepared. i have found some useful and enlightening literature that suggests that doctors know nothing of the dangers of benzodiazepine addiction and withdrawal and really have no idea how to help a patient wean themselves off these drugs. i think i agree with the literature ...

and my decision about the psychologist? she was a lovely lady, who listened to me talk (basically repeating what i have written on this blog and told other people a million times), made random comments, which i assume were meant to 'comfort' me or something?! and then told me that our time was up. i didnt walk out of there feeling any better. the only real weight lifted off of me was the R400 out of my pocket for the session. i am sure that if i saw her once a week for a year or so she could really help me, but then she would have to counsel me for the financial stress caused by her rates as well! ;-) i cancelled my appointment with the other psychologist. i find that my blog is an excellent psychologist and it doesnt charge me. perhaps i will go back to this lovely woman in the future, but right now ... i feel independent again ... i am doing quite alright by myself thanks!

my return to form has come about because of some positive changes in my life. firstly, i am back on the clonazepam - that is a positive for now - at least i feel i am able to deal with life in general and am not suffering from derealisation/depersonalisation, insomnia, anxiety etc etc ... jeez, this drug is HECTIC! if a doctor ever tries to prescribe it for you - DONT TAKE IT!

other good news is that i have been doing some work recently. i am basically retyping, proofreading and just generally 'improving' some documents for my uncle in England. he runs his own company and is paying me very well for my work. not only has this work given me a bit of a self-esteem boost, at least i feel like i am doing something constructive and am earning some money! (which means that i can start helping my mother out financially - i hate mooching!) but this little bit of work experience will also look good on my CV (a glowing letter of reference from a UK-based company?! pure gold in south africa! ;-) and while we're speaking of work ... colin has also found a nice job! (teaching english - ha ha ha) this is a huge positive in my life as it means that colin is now financially stable and will be staying in south africa with me - hopefully till i get better. YAY! he will also be moving into my sister's old room (she obviously doesn't know ;-) at the beginning of march. i know it will be a bit weird for him living with my mom, but it makes me very happy to think that we will be living together again. we needed to live apart for a while and we had a good break. but now it is time for us to build our lives together. i believe we could build something beautiful.

another positive experiment for me was putting together a serious portfolio of my photographs and taking them to a gallery. i saw an ad on a website looking for new, young, south african photographers and decided to reply. i love taking photos and playing around so why not take a chance. i went to the gallery on tuesday, february 5. very highbrow place, very professional, stylised photography. i left my CD of 26 odd photos with them, but i have no expectations. i like my photos, but they are not professional. i am glad that i did it though. it was fun to come up with a brief/theme (New Eyes) and then try and choose my best photos. i will post the brief and the photos onto this blog. i havent heard from the gallery yet, so who knows? ...

in this moment, i am content ... i am making a little bit of money, i am expressing myself creatively, i am trying to see friends and colin is lying next to me listening to music while i write on my blog. it has been hot and sunny in africa, but today it is cool and rainy.