"Holiday"

it is 2 am and i really should be sleeping, but i just woke up from a horrible nightmare that included colin making me cry and feel like shit - so pretty much not far off from the reality of our relationship, really. i did try and go back to sleep. the last thing i need is to fuck up my sleeping patterns right now, but i have too many thoughts ... too many words burning a hole in my brain. so here i am.

obviously i am not quite over breaking up with my boyfriend. closure! ha! especially when i hear stories about how he is acting and it just makes me feel like he is pissing all over everything we went through, everything we shared, the love that we had - the love he professed to still have for me?! but then i guess this depression is also fuelled by jealousy because i cant go out and do all the crazy things that he's doing ... it is self-pity, plain and simple. i am sick, lonely, frustrated etc etc. but then if i think about it rationally, i wouldnt want to be doing all the crazy-stupid shit he is doing. of course i want to go out, dance and kiss a sexy boy. BUT i am also very grateful for this illness that has made me see how empty, boring and depressing that kind of lifestyle is.

Pearly Beach

and that is the last bitching and moaning i am doing about colin on this blog. i feel shit about a lot of things ... a lot that has been catalysed by him. so i dont want to lie and pretend im fine about him, not that i would ever take him back in a million years! but i acknowledge that he is a factor when i start spinning downwards ... but there are many other factors and what i really should be talking about is my holiday, my trip to pearly beach.

mom, dog and i left on monday morning, april 28. i took up the backseat lying down after taking a xanax to help me survive the 2 hour drive, but this was gonna be a landmark trip. i was going to not only survive the drive, but i wasn't going to get sick from it! i slept most of the way and felt fine when we arrived at pearly beach. a week reading by the sea, sounds idyllic, right?! hmmm ... not quite. but when we arrived i was determined to make the most of the time i had in this beautiful part of the world. it was sunny, but there was a very cold wind blowing. these weather conditions remained constant, but i was not to be deterred! i sat outside in a deck chair reading my book ... went to the beach every day ... all bundled up in warm clothes.

unfortunately the warm clothes didnt stop me from getting the most insane sore throat i have ever experienced. the first 3 nights, i struggled to sleep because my throat was too sore to breathe or swallow. i also had horrible convulsions those 3 nights and kept waking my poor mother up at all hours ... convulsing, crying and croaking. i was crying because i was in a lot of pain, i was scared and also because i was just so heartbroken that i was having convulsions. clearly i wasnt as hardcore as i thought i was and the drive had had a bad effect on me just like the last time (travelling). so, i was miserable and sick, struggling to sleep and feeling a bit like a loser for being alone, on holiday with my mother while all my other friends (and colin *sigh*) partied away the long weekend.

BUT some very wonderful things came out of the "holiday" too:

1. i started driving again!

i didnt really miss driving and didnt think i would be that excited about doing it again. but once i got behind the wheel and realised that i hadnt forgotten a thing it was exhilarating! my mom gave me the freedom to drive the car around pearly beach and it was fantastic! and then i even got to drive a short distance along a highway on our way home on monday, may 5. so, i am slowly starting to drive again, which is very exciting! YAY for ME!

2. i started writing my book!

yes, inspired by the sea and our lovely holiday house, i had an undesirable urge to turn this blog into a book. to write "properly". it was wonderful. although i only managed to get through a few posts as things are still a bit too 'close to home'. i am still a bit too raw to really write "properly". BUT i made a start! AND i have an editor friend who is keen to help me out! YAY for ME!

Macro coral

3. i took wonderful photos!

i had a great time exploring the beach and playing around with my camera, which was really fun. i especially enjoyed taking macro (very close-up) shots of beach flotsam and jetsam.

4. i had some emotional insights!

it may seem as though i am as fucked up about everything (my sickness, my sister, colin, my life!) now as i was before, and i am, but i spent soul-searching hours on the beach. staring at the implacable rolling waves, listening to the constant roar of the ocean, feeling the soft white sand between my toes, smelling the throat-scorching, cold salt air and just thinking ... letting my mind wander through memories, sad and happy ... past choices, good and bad ... present situations, depressing and challenging. i found a past boyfriend that i wish i hadnt lost and made some decisions about my emotional future. the big decision is that i am going to go on a course. it is a course that a friend of mine went on and suggested to me. it is a bit like a self-help/self-realisation type course run by qualified psychologists. normally i would 'poo poo' these kinds of courses, but i recognise that i desperately need help. i am not superwoman - never was. and two friends of mine, who i respect, have been on courses like this and said it really helped them. so, on tuesday, 20 may i am going with my friend to check things out and see if i really want to do it. i need to admit my problems, face them and then deal with them and i cant do it on my own! YAY for ME!?

5. i started coming off the clonazepam!

yes, i stuck to my intended date. on thursday, may 1 i took 1.5 mg of clonazepam in the morning as opposed to 2 mg. i will do this for 2 weeks and then on wednesday, may 14 i will take 1.5 mg in the morning and at night. i will do this for 2 weeks etc etc ... it's going to be hard. i know i will have withdrawal symptoms like; increased convulsions, uncontrollable crying, panic attacks, headaches, insomnia, feelings of unreality and thoughts that i am going crazy. BUT i am prepared for them and after 4 months i will never take clonazepam again! YAY for ME!

so, all in all ... not such a bad "holiday" after all (although i hope my mom enjoyed herself).

and NOW?

i am still sick although i have finally rid myself of the torturous sore throat. now i just have a bad cold, which makes me feel woozy and gives me headaches. but i have discovered sinutab with codeine! it is wonderful! (and addictive, i know) but it takes away my sinus headaches and, best of all, it helps me sleep! (although it doesnt seem to be helping tonight? ;-)

and my last bits of news. i have a friend staying for a month - she is paying rent etc - and i think this is going to be very good for me. i have a housemate! and she has already counselled me through a crying fit tonight. she has also had and is having a tough life. she understands depression, suicidal thoughts etc etc and is incredibly understanding and supportive. plus she will kick my ass if i go overboard with the self-pity ;-). YAY for my new housemate!

and today (or yesterday, actually) was my mom's birthday. tuesday, may 6 - happy birthday mom! we went out for lunch for my mom's birthday, which was a bit unsettling for me. this was because we went to the restaurant where my estranged sister works.

today/yesterday was the first time i have had any contact with her since the last big blow-up. it was weird and stressful. her and everyone else (my mom, uncle, grandmother and grandfather) acted as if nothing had ever happened! my sister sat with us and chatted and everyone was nice and friendly, but i couldnt do it. i wasnt rude because i know it would hurt my mom. but, personally, i am not prepared to just let her off the hook like that. i believe she needs to own up to her bad behaviour, apologise to everyone (not just me!) and then make a concerted effort to be part of the family. i would like nothing more than to have my sister as a friend, but i want her to phone me, organise a meeting and sit down and talk about everything. THEN we can be friends, we can be sisters. i say that i dont care, but of course i do! maybe i am just being stubborn. maybe i need to be the one to extend the olive branch. but right now ... i dont have any forgiveness in my heart.

so the crying tonight? a big fat mixture of sister, sickness, confusion, colin, low self-esteem (man, i need to work on that! ;-), clonazepam withdrawal etc etc ...

BUT tomorrow is a new day, a new start ... i am seeing a friend in the evening, but first i need to organise a way of making more money. i keep falling down ... i know i can pull myself up again, but hell! it is exhausting!