Anniversary

today is the celebration of another anniversary. it has been 1 year and 9 months since the avm on my brain stem was found and since i quit smoking. oddly enough i have been finding my cravings for a cigarette getting stronger recently. i think it might be because B smokes and then when i am drinking and i see him smoke all the time it makes me want one. i always used to love having a ciggie and a glass of red wine. but i will not do it. it has been almost 2 years and it would be stupid, not to mention expensive! to start now.

but the really big news which i think is appropriate to share on this anniversary is that, DUM DUM DUM i have scheduled my final angiography. HOORAY! i phoned my neurosurgeon and it was as easy as making a lunch date (somehow i thought i would have to convince him). i was so overwhelmed with emotion when it was done. i felt relief, joy, fear? i was crying with happiness and just bowled over by my intense reaction. and when is the fateful day? tuesday, november 18. i will be going into the UCT hospital at 8 am. i will be put under general anaesthetic - which is great since the last 2 times i was under local and it was really unpleasant to be awake during the procedure. and i will leave the hospital a few hours later. none of this lying on my back for hours on end with a sandbag on my leg etc etc. i dunno why they do things so differently in south africa, but it definitely makes my life easier.

now i have just over a month to get rid of the clonazepam. i stopped taking it on saturday, october 4 and have been waiting for the withdrawal symptoms to hit me ever since. i am worried about them and this makes things worse of course, but at least i am prepared and i have explained things to B (the poor guy!). i have finished with the work that i was doing and i am not going to try and find more work until i am over this clonazepam addiction cos i know that i will not be able to function if the withdrawals get really bad. BUT there is always the hope that they wont get bad. the vivid dreams and night sweats seem to have stopped in the last week. maybe this is a good sign. fingers crossed!