Distracted

i know i didn't make good on my promise to write before i went on holiday. and i know that i have taken even longer than that just to actually sit in front of my computer and type words onto a page. my excuse? well, i HAVE been busy and distracted. i have caused distractions for myself sometimes. i'm not sure why. to try and keep myself busy and having fun was the main reason i think. so what have i been doing to have fun?

Hagga Hagga farm
i went to the eastern cape. i stayed two nights (monday, september 15 - wednesday, september 17) on a friend's beautiful farm in hagga hagga. the farm has rolling hills and is on the coast. there were lots of baby animals cos it is 'spring' (although you cant tell from the revolting weather in cape town!) and we drove around the farm on a landrover and it was lovely to get out into the country side. then i was in grahamstown from wednesday, 17 september to sunday, 21 september. i stayed with friends of mine who i know from taiwan. it was fantastic to see them again and i also managed to catch up with a lot of other old friends and especially important was an ex-boyfriend of mine - my first serious boyfriend. we still care a lot about each other and he is now having a baby and very happy. the only bad news from the trip was one person that i know who has become addicted to crack and seems to have lost his mind. i saw him at a bar and he was trying to talk to me, but i couldn't hold a conversation with him. it was very sad and disturbing to see how far us humans can fall. it makes one appreciate one's own life a lot more.

Pearly Beach flower
i was back home on monday, 22 september and B and i had a happy reunion that night. on wednesday, 24 september i had a family lunch complete with B, sister and her boyfriend as well as my cousin who is visiting from england who is the same age as B. we had a great lunch and went out afterwards (well, me, B and my cousin went out ;-) and got horribly drunk. B and i ended up having a drunken argument, but laughed about it the next day. my cousin wanted to hire a car and go down to pearly beach (where my family has a holiday house) for the weekend so it was arranged that i should go with. B came through for the friday night, which was lovely and then my cousin and i drove back to cape town on monday 29 september.

so yes, things have been pretty busy and i have been having fun and spending lots of money and it doesn't stop there as i am planning to go to a music festival this weekend with friends, my cousin and B - more money to be spent and fun to be had! woo hoo!

BUT in amongst all this fun, there has been angst - of course! there has to be angst! lets start with the clonazepam. still a fucking thorn in my side! i was still taking 0.5 mg a day when i left for the eastern cape. i didn't want to be struggling with withdrawal symptoms while on holiday. so i stopped taking the clonazepam on tuesday, 23 september after i got back. by friday, 26 september i was a mess. now, i have been having some withdrawal symptoms - like vivid dreams and night sweats. this got worse on thursday night. i had a really bad night and woke up on friday morning feeling very shaky and panicky. i tried to calm down as i got ready to go to pearly beach with my cousin, but i was just getting worse. i know that this is how it starts and then things just get worse and i start freaking out. i couldn't do that while away with my cousin so ... i gave in and went back onto 0.5 mg a day. i am still taking that, but plan to stop completely after the music festival this weekend (Rocking the Daisies). but god am i SCARED. how am i going to handle these withdrawals? i can't keep running away from this. what is going to happen to me and B, what about me and my friends (many of whom i haven't seen in ages anyway!). i don't want to be a basket case! but i have to do it. FUCK!

this situation has been worrying me. the other things that have been getting to me are firstly the usual - frustration at waiting for my life to start, wanting to go back to taiwan and live as an adult again, not having a job/car or even wanting to live in cape town, feeling trapped and dependent on others. it all just gets overwhelming eventually. add to this that my freelancing job has come to an end so i have no source of income, my medical aid has run out, i can't get hold of my neurosurgeon to try and schedule my final angiography etc etc and you just have a list of things that are hanging over my head ... oh and i have not been eating properly or following decent sleeping patterns. i need structure in my life and i am craving having a job again (although i know that wont last long ;-). when i spend time with B we go to bed late and get up late and i actually hate doing that. i need to have routine, exercise and a healthy diet in my life. i am trying to start that again.

and finally, i have been feeling very irritable lately - especially with B. i don't know why. maybe it is just because he is busy with life ... job etc and i seem to be sinking let alone moving forward. i find myself dreaming of taiwan more and more, but i know that i have a lot to be grateful for. cape town is beautiful and i have been having a great time here. i should enjoy the holiday while it lasts and enjoy being in my home country while it lasts. maybe when the sun starts to shine more then i will perk up. until then i am trying to get more exercise, and just get my life in order. i guess i have been running around doing lotsa things and haven't felt like i have things under control. now is the time to stop being distracted and start getting sorted.

PS. the course that i went on was great - i didn't struggle too much with the long days and i learnt a lot about myself and life - although i tend to forget these things and then fall into the same old traps again, but it is a work in progress. now i am doing a seminar course on success for the next 3 months every wednesday evening. i am going to a session this evening. i feel lazy about it when i think about going, but it is interesting and keeps me busy and productive.

PPS. thanks to the course i am no longer angry with my sister or colin and have been in touch with both of them. not that i will ever be good friends with them but at least i feel that there are no loose ends or negative feelings anymore.