11 months ago today i had a stereotactic head frame screwed onto my head and underwent the most difficult day of my life with the ultimate goal of preserving my life. now i am almost a year away from that day and yet it is still so clear in my head. i still cry sometimes when i think about it and marvel at the fact that i have survived 11 months. i dont know how i did it, or continue to do it for that matter.
i recently watched a video of the convulsions i had the night before my gamma knife radio surgery, sunday, february 11 2007. my south african doctor asked for a copy of this video and i realised that i had never watched the whole thing so i decided that it was about time i faced the horror images of what my AVM does to me. it was terrifying ... i barely recognised myself. truly a scene, 22 minutes long, from the exorcist. i had nightmares of being chased by contorted, white eyed zombies. every single one of them was me. but i am glad that i watched it. i have to face these scenes head-on, no protection. how else will i ever process and accept all that has happened and is happening to me ...
Saturday, 12 January 2008
Friday, 11 January 2008
Sister
30 January 2007
on sunday, january 30 i organised to go to a music concert in the kirstenbosch botanical gardens with my sister and her boyfriend, my two cousins from england and another old friend of mine who was visiting from england. my sister's boyfriend has a bakkie so it was agreed that we would all meet at my mom's house at 3 pm and then pile into the boyfriend's bakkie to go to the concert. another two friends of mine surprised me and joined us later. the weather was beautiful and we were having a lovely time. everyone had a picnic and a few drinks.
as soon as the concert was over my sister and her boyfriend left and said they would wait for us at the bakkie. they wanted to leave early and avoid traffic. the rest of us wanted to just sit and relax for a bit longer, enjoy the surrounding beauty and each others' company. my friends and i then decided that we wanted to go out for a few drinks. "we're coming with you!" was my cousins' reaction. so, i sent my sister an sms telling her that everyone else wanted to go out and that her and her boyfriend could go home if they wanted. a while later i got a furious phone call from the boyfriend. "where are you?! we have been waiting for 15 minutes?!" it turned out that my sister had not had her cellphone with her and had therefore not got the message. ooops! the boyfriend hung up before i could apologise and the rest of us went out to have a bit more fun.
i arrived home in a fantastic mood. i had been to a bar for the first time in ages and had had loads of fun with old friends and my lovely cousins. then i heard my sister screaming as i opened the front door. she was having a huge fight with my mother. i got dragged into the fight and was told how rude me and everybody else had been to the two of them ... blah blah blah. it was all petty little things that were being brought up and i was angry that first of all my lovely night had been ruined and second of all that my sister's horrid little boyfriend thought that he had the right to lecture me. then the final straw; my sister turned to me and screamed "you dont know how hard my life has been this year!" excuse me?! i saw red and slapped her in the face. how dare she come and try and tell ME, of all people, that HER life has been hard. what about my fucking life?! she has no idea how difficult life can be! and she has no idea what i have been through because she has never shown any interest in me or my life.
her boyfriend and her stormed out of the house that night and have not returned. they did not come to our family new years celebration and my sister did not come to my grandfather's 80th birthday on saturday, january 5 (which was so much fun that it lasted 11 hours - i LOVE my family! ;-). she was the only family member not present. she has completely cut herself off from her family (who are all now furious with her and her ridiculous behaviour) and has broken my grandfather's heart. she has broken my heart too. i saw what was coming, i spoke to her to try and avoid it. all i ever wanted was to have a sister that i could get on with, rely on, a sister who could be my friend. but i have tried too many times now. i will always nurse the hope that she will come to me one day and apologise, try to be friends. i just hope that she doesnt leave it until it is too late.
on sunday, january 30 i organised to go to a music concert in the kirstenbosch botanical gardens with my sister and her boyfriend, my two cousins from england and another old friend of mine who was visiting from england. my sister's boyfriend has a bakkie so it was agreed that we would all meet at my mom's house at 3 pm and then pile into the boyfriend's bakkie to go to the concert. another two friends of mine surprised me and joined us later. the weather was beautiful and we were having a lovely time. everyone had a picnic and a few drinks.
as soon as the concert was over my sister and her boyfriend left and said they would wait for us at the bakkie. they wanted to leave early and avoid traffic. the rest of us wanted to just sit and relax for a bit longer, enjoy the surrounding beauty and each others' company. my friends and i then decided that we wanted to go out for a few drinks. "we're coming with you!" was my cousins' reaction. so, i sent my sister an sms telling her that everyone else wanted to go out and that her and her boyfriend could go home if they wanted. a while later i got a furious phone call from the boyfriend. "where are you?! we have been waiting for 15 minutes?!" it turned out that my sister had not had her cellphone with her and had therefore not got the message. ooops! the boyfriend hung up before i could apologise and the rest of us went out to have a bit more fun.
i arrived home in a fantastic mood. i had been to a bar for the first time in ages and had had loads of fun with old friends and my lovely cousins. then i heard my sister screaming as i opened the front door. she was having a huge fight with my mother. i got dragged into the fight and was told how rude me and everybody else had been to the two of them ... blah blah blah. it was all petty little things that were being brought up and i was angry that first of all my lovely night had been ruined and second of all that my sister's horrid little boyfriend thought that he had the right to lecture me. then the final straw; my sister turned to me and screamed "you dont know how hard my life has been this year!" excuse me?! i saw red and slapped her in the face. how dare she come and try and tell ME, of all people, that HER life has been hard. what about my fucking life?! she has no idea how difficult life can be! and she has no idea what i have been through because she has never shown any interest in me or my life.
her boyfriend and her stormed out of the house that night and have not returned. they did not come to our family new years celebration and my sister did not come to my grandfather's 80th birthday on saturday, january 5 (which was so much fun that it lasted 11 hours - i LOVE my family! ;-). she was the only family member not present. she has completely cut herself off from her family (who are all now furious with her and her ridiculous behaviour) and has broken my grandfather's heart. she has broken my heart too. i saw what was coming, i spoke to her to try and avoid it. all i ever wanted was to have a sister that i could get on with, rely on, a sister who could be my friend. but i have tried too many times now. i will always nurse the hope that she will come to me one day and apologise, try to be friends. i just hope that she doesnt leave it until it is too late.
Tuesday, 8 January 2008
Anniversary
today is a day of many anniversaries.
i have been an entire year without cigarettes today. woohoo! i still have quite a few friends that smoke and even though i still get terrible cravings when i see them smoke, to the point where i almost grab the cigarette out of their hand so i can have a drag, i am also incredibly happy that i dont smoke anymore. that coughing, smelly, yucky part of my life is over and i feel healthier and cleaner for it. i know that i will never go back. it is the freedom of knowing that i am not controlled by these little tubes of tobacco anymore which feels so good. i dont have to run to the shop when i run out, i dont have to worry about taking boxes with me when i go away, i dont have to go and stand outside and puff on a ciggie every half an hour. those horrid little things have no control over me anymore. and i smell better too ;-).
it has also been a year since i was diagnosed with an AVM on my brain stem and i started this blog on saturday, april 8 2007, which means that i have been vomiting my life story and my thoughts onto these pages for exactly 9 months. this blog is my therapist, my diary, my confidante and eventually, hopefully my book.
i have been an entire year without cigarettes today. woohoo! i still have quite a few friends that smoke and even though i still get terrible cravings when i see them smoke, to the point where i almost grab the cigarette out of their hand so i can have a drag, i am also incredibly happy that i dont smoke anymore. that coughing, smelly, yucky part of my life is over and i feel healthier and cleaner for it. i know that i will never go back. it is the freedom of knowing that i am not controlled by these little tubes of tobacco anymore which feels so good. i dont have to run to the shop when i run out, i dont have to worry about taking boxes with me when i go away, i dont have to go and stand outside and puff on a ciggie every half an hour. those horrid little things have no control over me anymore. and i smell better too ;-).
it has also been a year since i was diagnosed with an AVM on my brain stem and i started this blog on saturday, april 8 2007, which means that i have been vomiting my life story and my thoughts onto these pages for exactly 9 months. this blog is my therapist, my diary, my confidante and eventually, hopefully my book.
Friday, 28 December 2007
Continued
Christmas
two and a half years together can't just be extinguished like that so of course the saga of colin and my break up has been continuing. i spent 3 days crying my eyes out and ranting to anyone who would listen. but it felt good in a weird way, i was purging myself of all the negative feelings, all the hurt and depression that came with our relationship and that always comes after a break up. i didnt hear from colin for 3 days. i thought i was well on my way to getting over him already.
then he phoned on saturday, december 22. our mutual friends wanted to see me. i didnt answer, mainly because i was busy talking to other friends on the phone about the break up. eventually he left a message saying he would give these friends my phone number and they could call me. yes, if they had really wanted to see me they would have done that right at the beginning of the week! (they never called.) i thought about it as rationally as i could and decided that i should call and speak to colin just to clarify that he did know we had broken up and just so i could get some closure. "colin, you do know we've broken up, don't you?"
"yes."
"is that all you have to say after everything we've been through?"
"well, i dont want to break up." (HUH?!)
"but you ignored me, acted like you didnt care."
"i was very angry and i have been angry for the last 3 days."
eventually, inevitably the conversation turned into a fight where he insulted me and i hung up the phone in disgust. i had been grieving for the last 3 days and then he tells me he wants to come and visit so we can try and sort things out. how could he not understand that after the pain of the last 3 days i wasnt going to just say "okay!" and let him waltz back into my life again.
but i still loved him and all the wonderful qualities that he has. so i sent him a message suggesting that we not fight anymore and hoping that we can be friends. "yes," he agrees. fantastic! i felt much better. i had had some form of closure and even though i was still horribly miserable that things had ended between us, at least we would still be in touch. i didnt want there to be any animosity or weirdness between us. he could continue getting fucked out of his mind with his mates and i could slowly start to heal both emotionally and physically. i have to focus on the small joys i am allowed and not think about the things that i am missing out on.
then i got an sms the next day, sunday, december 23. he wanted to talk to me the next morning on skype. "maybe" i replied and i meant it. a friend and i were planning a trip to the beach so i didnt think i would be at home in the morning. monday morning, december 24 it was pouring with rain so, no beach. i could chat to colin on skype. i was over him already, i could just chat to him as a friend. i was happy with the little life i was slowly building around me, with the vague plans i had for the future. i wanted to be single. it was going to be good for me. so we chatted. i deliberately avoided any talk about our relationship although i could feel he wanted to bring it up. i was excited to see my dad's side of the family on christmas day, tuesday, december 25 and even more excited to see my mom's side of the family on wednesday, december 26.
i got an sms from colin wishing me merry christmas on the tuesday. i was busy with family and happy so i quickly replied. then i got an sms on wednesday morning, can we talk? maybe after my family lunch i replied. i had a wonderful time with both sides of my family and was very happy when all my cousins, aunts and uncles left at 9 pm on wednesday night after a 9 hour lunch. I LOVE MY FAMILY! it was late and i was tired and decided that the sensible thing would be to just leave colin until the next day. but because i still love him, am addicted to him, i called him after everyone had left. he was very drunk with some friends and he ended up insulting me again and i hung up. that was IT! no more communication between us. i couldnt take it. the emotional see-sawing was causing stress and making me sick.
this stress has been causing terrible insomnia and convulsions. i now take a xanax every night in an attempt to stave off the convulsions and get some sleep. it doesn't always work ... i actually had the most terrifying of any of my convulsions at 6 am on thursday, december 26. my mom had to sit and watch me while my body writhed in agony, pulled into deformed shapes by my brain and then shaken so violently i felt my neck would break. i was very close to losing consciousness a few times and i honestly thought that this was it, the end. i had put too much pressure on my brain and now i was going to die. i will never forget how i felt that morning; helpless, terrified, depressed, hopeless. i didnt care if i died. i was too weak to deal with my physical and emotional sicknesses anymore. i just wanted it all to end. but i didnt die and i ended up having a lovely christmas lunch that day (december 26) which was then poisoned by yet another fight with colin.
Beautiful Cape Town
i was a glutton for punishment. i had to leave the man alone, ignore him. he started calling the very next morning, thursday, december 27 and like the suicidal moth to the flame i eventually gave in and called him. we fought. i hung up. then i called again and tried to explain my feelings to him, how i wanted something, someone different for my life. we both love each other very much and are both very sad that things arent working, but it just isnt meant to be and we are wrong for each other in so many ways, but we will remain friends. i then went to the beach with a friend and had a beautiful day. was invited to have a braai (bbq) with them, but couldnt because i am still sick. AAAARGH!
this morning i woke up. i have fun plans for this weekend. lots of things to look forward to, but all i could think about was colin. how much i love him, how much i miss him, how much we have been through together, how maybe there was still a chance for us. i broke down and called him, crying. he was very sweet and told me that he was glad i had called and although i berated myself for being so weak as to call him i did get what i wanted from the phone call. a little bit of love and comfort. i still think it is a good thing that we have broken up. i am still glad that i am single. but i am still glad that we can talk.
then he phoned on saturday, december 22. our mutual friends wanted to see me. i didnt answer, mainly because i was busy talking to other friends on the phone about the break up. eventually he left a message saying he would give these friends my phone number and they could call me. yes, if they had really wanted to see me they would have done that right at the beginning of the week! (they never called.) i thought about it as rationally as i could and decided that i should call and speak to colin just to clarify that he did know we had broken up and just so i could get some closure. "colin, you do know we've broken up, don't you?"
"yes."
"is that all you have to say after everything we've been through?"
"well, i dont want to break up." (HUH?!)
"but you ignored me, acted like you didnt care."
"i was very angry and i have been angry for the last 3 days."
eventually, inevitably the conversation turned into a fight where he insulted me and i hung up the phone in disgust. i had been grieving for the last 3 days and then he tells me he wants to come and visit so we can try and sort things out. how could he not understand that after the pain of the last 3 days i wasnt going to just say "okay!" and let him waltz back into my life again.
but i still loved him and all the wonderful qualities that he has. so i sent him a message suggesting that we not fight anymore and hoping that we can be friends. "yes," he agrees. fantastic! i felt much better. i had had some form of closure and even though i was still horribly miserable that things had ended between us, at least we would still be in touch. i didnt want there to be any animosity or weirdness between us. he could continue getting fucked out of his mind with his mates and i could slowly start to heal both emotionally and physically. i have to focus on the small joys i am allowed and not think about the things that i am missing out on.
then i got an sms the next day, sunday, december 23. he wanted to talk to me the next morning on skype. "maybe" i replied and i meant it. a friend and i were planning a trip to the beach so i didnt think i would be at home in the morning. monday morning, december 24 it was pouring with rain so, no beach. i could chat to colin on skype. i was over him already, i could just chat to him as a friend. i was happy with the little life i was slowly building around me, with the vague plans i had for the future. i wanted to be single. it was going to be good for me. so we chatted. i deliberately avoided any talk about our relationship although i could feel he wanted to bring it up. i was excited to see my dad's side of the family on christmas day, tuesday, december 25 and even more excited to see my mom's side of the family on wednesday, december 26.
i got an sms from colin wishing me merry christmas on the tuesday. i was busy with family and happy so i quickly replied. then i got an sms on wednesday morning, can we talk? maybe after my family lunch i replied. i had a wonderful time with both sides of my family and was very happy when all my cousins, aunts and uncles left at 9 pm on wednesday night after a 9 hour lunch. I LOVE MY FAMILY! it was late and i was tired and decided that the sensible thing would be to just leave colin until the next day. but because i still love him, am addicted to him, i called him after everyone had left. he was very drunk with some friends and he ended up insulting me again and i hung up. that was IT! no more communication between us. i couldnt take it. the emotional see-sawing was causing stress and making me sick.
this stress has been causing terrible insomnia and convulsions. i now take a xanax every night in an attempt to stave off the convulsions and get some sleep. it doesn't always work ... i actually had the most terrifying of any of my convulsions at 6 am on thursday, december 26. my mom had to sit and watch me while my body writhed in agony, pulled into deformed shapes by my brain and then shaken so violently i felt my neck would break. i was very close to losing consciousness a few times and i honestly thought that this was it, the end. i had put too much pressure on my brain and now i was going to die. i will never forget how i felt that morning; helpless, terrified, depressed, hopeless. i didnt care if i died. i was too weak to deal with my physical and emotional sicknesses anymore. i just wanted it all to end. but i didnt die and i ended up having a lovely christmas lunch that day (december 26) which was then poisoned by yet another fight with colin.
Beautiful Cape Town
i was a glutton for punishment. i had to leave the man alone, ignore him. he started calling the very next morning, thursday, december 27 and like the suicidal moth to the flame i eventually gave in and called him. we fought. i hung up. then i called again and tried to explain my feelings to him, how i wanted something, someone different for my life. we both love each other very much and are both very sad that things arent working, but it just isnt meant to be and we are wrong for each other in so many ways, but we will remain friends. i then went to the beach with a friend and had a beautiful day. was invited to have a braai (bbq) with them, but couldnt because i am still sick. AAAARGH!this morning i woke up. i have fun plans for this weekend. lots of things to look forward to, but all i could think about was colin. how much i love him, how much i miss him, how much we have been through together, how maybe there was still a chance for us. i broke down and called him, crying. he was very sweet and told me that he was glad i had called and although i berated myself for being so weak as to call him i did get what i wanted from the phone call. a little bit of love and comfort. i still think it is a good thing that we have broken up. i am still glad that i am single. but i am still glad that we can talk.
and yet i keep singing this song to myself, "it's all just a little bit of history repeating ..."
Friday, 21 December 2007
Future
Bittersweet
so, my future is suddenly looking very different from when i last wrote. physically i am still getting better and i have rediscovered some fantastic old friends who have been really wonderful to me and i have also found that a lot of people just ignore my sms's and dont seem to want anything to do with me. this is a very cape town thing to do, which i am not used to yet. people in cape town are generally very cliquey and image conscious. now if you are image conscious that means that you must be busy all the time so you have no time to make the effort of reconnecting with an old friend who doesnt have a car and doesnt go out partying. that sounds bitter because i do feel a bit hurt by the amount of people who have simply just never replied to any of my sms's. but like i said, some friends have been awesome and i am just loving my family.
i had a particularly good talk/cry with my sister about a week ago. like i have said before, we are very different people and i have felt uncomfortable being home as her and her boyfriend seem to ignore me. this really hurt me as i want to feel that my sister and i are friends and can chat about things and do things together. but it seemed to me that she wasn't interested in spending any time with me, only her boyfriend, and i had terrible visions of ending up in the future with a sister that i hadnt spoken to in 10 years! in my head i actually thought she resented me for crashing back into the house, being sick, loud and generally disrupting her pleasant routine. it all came to a head one night last week when we had some silly disagreement. i was crying on my bed and decided that i wasn't going to be pathetic about this anymore, it was time to confront my sister about how i felt (my family is not very good at showing their true feelings). i called her from the kitchen with tears in my eyes. explained to her that i felt unwelcome, lonely and that i wanted us to spend some time together, to feel like we supported each other. she also ended up in tears and we had a good heart-to-heart about what has been happening in both our lives and how we feel about certain situations. of course, i was just paranoid and she assured me that she wanted to spend time with me and develop our relationship, but she is introverted and finds it difficult to speak to me sometimes as i am quite the opposite. so, that was a huge weight off my chest and my sister has been there for me in the last few days which have been so terrible.
why have the last few days been so terrible? well, things with colin started to go rotten again. we started bickering and fighting again on friday, december 14 and it didnt stop. the final straw was when mutual friends of ours arrived in cape town. he was very excited to see them and told me on tuesday, december 18, very proudly, "I am going to the beach with them tommorrow.". i am oversensitive at the moment and felt left out. going to the beach was something that i could do and i had actually discussed with him how much i wanted to go to this particular beach, Hout Bay as i had lived there as a child. "so, i'm not invited." i said. i was accused of being negative and the fight just escalated until it was decided that we shouldnt be in contact for a while. he wants to party with his friends and a sick girlfriend just puts a real 'damper' on things ya know. i was so upset and hurt that i didnt sleep all night.
i know that i am sounding bitter already and i dont want this post to turn into a bitch session. maybe i shouldnt be writing this now as i am still very raw, but i need to get it out of myself. i need to keep myself busy, otherwise i will just crumple up into a ball of tears alone in my mom's house surrounded by workmen (yes, they are STILL working on the bathroom!) anyway, after all this nastiness between colin and i, i started to take a good, hard look at the relationship. i am 27, i have plans for the future. a life i want to build and i couldnt see colin in that future. his friends, partying, drinking seem more important to him. he can be nasty to me and make me feel shit about myself (turmoil). he has always been like this, but he also has many lovely qualities and so i tried to look past all the bad stuff in our relationship. i love him. he is my best friend. but if he can blow me off for alcohol and a party then he is not worth it. i know that i deserve better. i want a man. someone who is committed to working together. able to make compromises. someone who has compassion and love for me. someone who will comfort me when i am crying. no more fucking around! no more wasting time! i want to get married one day. i know that i am not perfect and that this year has been incredibly hard on colin as well as me and i understand that he wants to blow off steam. so we are just at different stages of our lifes right now.
on the night of wednesday, december 19 i sent colin an sms. "are you busy right now? we need to talk." we can skype in 30 minutes. okay. first he revelled in telling me what a fantastic day he had had at the beach. he had been drinking all day and was having the time of his life! good for him. he said they were having a big party at his house on friday night, december 21 and do i want to come. WHAT?! he knows i cant handle being around loads of really drunk people until all hours of the morning (and dont want to be anyway). i just told him, "look, i dont like the way things are going and i think we should just call it quits."
"oh, okay. look i am drinking with my housemate and he is waiting for me so i better go."
"okay, go back to your alcohol."
and i hung up. after all we have been through, almost 3 years of a relationship that had been wonderful in many ways and horrific in others; that was his reaction. it just killed my heart that the person i had discussed future plans with, the person who had professed to love me so much, my best friend who knew me so well could just dismiss me like an old dishrag. nothing could have solidified my disappointment in him more.
although friends and family have suggested to me that he probably didnt really understand what i was telling him as his reaction was so odd. but when he does come back to the real world and has satisfied his lust for instant, self-gratification he will realise how much he has lost. and that will be very sad.
now, of course i am a mess and am relying heavily on friends and family to help me. i feel reckless. i just want to go out, dance, get drunk, forget everything. i want to be normal. then i could deal with this break up. but being sick on top of it. that's incredibly difficult. i am horribly miserable and depressed, but i am desperately trying to make plans with friends, go out, keep myself busy. i know all this adversity will make me an even more amazing person than i already am, but right now it REALLY sucks to be me!
i feel like i have come full circle. i was 24 years old, living at home without a car, working crappy jobs to save and go to taiwan in november 2004. now, i am 27 years old, have returned from taiwan in october 2007, am living at home without a car, no job, no money and what i was hoping to be a real and profound relationship has turned into a booby prize. oh and lets not forget the fact that i have regressed to the level of a 16 year old in terms of the things i am able to do. i cant drive, i cant drink (well, okay, a little!), i cant go out. SHAME SUE! yes, i am a pitiful case.
but i am fighting that self-pity, that depression as much as i can because i am better than this! i have applied for a freelance editing job and now i just need to teach myself about editing (argh! ;-) so i can pass the test and get the job. my future is still bright. i am getting better physically, mentally and emotionally every day. i am going to work from home, make some money, recover fully and then i am going to travel, live life to the fullest, find my happiness, my soul mate, be fulfilled. but for now i need to cry ...
so, my future is suddenly looking very different from when i last wrote. physically i am still getting better and i have rediscovered some fantastic old friends who have been really wonderful to me and i have also found that a lot of people just ignore my sms's and dont seem to want anything to do with me. this is a very cape town thing to do, which i am not used to yet. people in cape town are generally very cliquey and image conscious. now if you are image conscious that means that you must be busy all the time so you have no time to make the effort of reconnecting with an old friend who doesnt have a car and doesnt go out partying. that sounds bitter because i do feel a bit hurt by the amount of people who have simply just never replied to any of my sms's. but like i said, some friends have been awesome and i am just loving my family.
i had a particularly good talk/cry with my sister about a week ago. like i have said before, we are very different people and i have felt uncomfortable being home as her and her boyfriend seem to ignore me. this really hurt me as i want to feel that my sister and i are friends and can chat about things and do things together. but it seemed to me that she wasn't interested in spending any time with me, only her boyfriend, and i had terrible visions of ending up in the future with a sister that i hadnt spoken to in 10 years! in my head i actually thought she resented me for crashing back into the house, being sick, loud and generally disrupting her pleasant routine. it all came to a head one night last week when we had some silly disagreement. i was crying on my bed and decided that i wasn't going to be pathetic about this anymore, it was time to confront my sister about how i felt (my family is not very good at showing their true feelings). i called her from the kitchen with tears in my eyes. explained to her that i felt unwelcome, lonely and that i wanted us to spend some time together, to feel like we supported each other. she also ended up in tears and we had a good heart-to-heart about what has been happening in both our lives and how we feel about certain situations. of course, i was just paranoid and she assured me that she wanted to spend time with me and develop our relationship, but she is introverted and finds it difficult to speak to me sometimes as i am quite the opposite. so, that was a huge weight off my chest and my sister has been there for me in the last few days which have been so terrible.
why have the last few days been so terrible? well, things with colin started to go rotten again. we started bickering and fighting again on friday, december 14 and it didnt stop. the final straw was when mutual friends of ours arrived in cape town. he was very excited to see them and told me on tuesday, december 18, very proudly, "I am going to the beach with them tommorrow.". i am oversensitive at the moment and felt left out. going to the beach was something that i could do and i had actually discussed with him how much i wanted to go to this particular beach, Hout Bay as i had lived there as a child. "so, i'm not invited." i said. i was accused of being negative and the fight just escalated until it was decided that we shouldnt be in contact for a while. he wants to party with his friends and a sick girlfriend just puts a real 'damper' on things ya know. i was so upset and hurt that i didnt sleep all night.
i know that i am sounding bitter already and i dont want this post to turn into a bitch session. maybe i shouldnt be writing this now as i am still very raw, but i need to get it out of myself. i need to keep myself busy, otherwise i will just crumple up into a ball of tears alone in my mom's house surrounded by workmen (yes, they are STILL working on the bathroom!) anyway, after all this nastiness between colin and i, i started to take a good, hard look at the relationship. i am 27, i have plans for the future. a life i want to build and i couldnt see colin in that future. his friends, partying, drinking seem more important to him. he can be nasty to me and make me feel shit about myself (turmoil). he has always been like this, but he also has many lovely qualities and so i tried to look past all the bad stuff in our relationship. i love him. he is my best friend. but if he can blow me off for alcohol and a party then he is not worth it. i know that i deserve better. i want a man. someone who is committed to working together. able to make compromises. someone who has compassion and love for me. someone who will comfort me when i am crying. no more fucking around! no more wasting time! i want to get married one day. i know that i am not perfect and that this year has been incredibly hard on colin as well as me and i understand that he wants to blow off steam. so we are just at different stages of our lifes right now.
on the night of wednesday, december 19 i sent colin an sms. "are you busy right now? we need to talk." we can skype in 30 minutes. okay. first he revelled in telling me what a fantastic day he had had at the beach. he had been drinking all day and was having the time of his life! good for him. he said they were having a big party at his house on friday night, december 21 and do i want to come. WHAT?! he knows i cant handle being around loads of really drunk people until all hours of the morning (and dont want to be anyway). i just told him, "look, i dont like the way things are going and i think we should just call it quits."
"oh, okay. look i am drinking with my housemate and he is waiting for me so i better go."
"okay, go back to your alcohol."
and i hung up. after all we have been through, almost 3 years of a relationship that had been wonderful in many ways and horrific in others; that was his reaction. it just killed my heart that the person i had discussed future plans with, the person who had professed to love me so much, my best friend who knew me so well could just dismiss me like an old dishrag. nothing could have solidified my disappointment in him more.
although friends and family have suggested to me that he probably didnt really understand what i was telling him as his reaction was so odd. but when he does come back to the real world and has satisfied his lust for instant, self-gratification he will realise how much he has lost. and that will be very sad.
now, of course i am a mess and am relying heavily on friends and family to help me. i feel reckless. i just want to go out, dance, get drunk, forget everything. i want to be normal. then i could deal with this break up. but being sick on top of it. that's incredibly difficult. i am horribly miserable and depressed, but i am desperately trying to make plans with friends, go out, keep myself busy. i know all this adversity will make me an even more amazing person than i already am, but right now it REALLY sucks to be me!
i feel like i have come full circle. i was 24 years old, living at home without a car, working crappy jobs to save and go to taiwan in november 2004. now, i am 27 years old, have returned from taiwan in october 2007, am living at home without a car, no job, no money and what i was hoping to be a real and profound relationship has turned into a booby prize. oh and lets not forget the fact that i have regressed to the level of a 16 year old in terms of the things i am able to do. i cant drive, i cant drink (well, okay, a little!), i cant go out. SHAME SUE! yes, i am a pitiful case.
but i am fighting that self-pity, that depression as much as i can because i am better than this! i have applied for a freelance editing job and now i just need to teach myself about editing (argh! ;-) so i can pass the test and get the job. my future is still bright. i am getting better physically, mentally and emotionally every day. i am going to work from home, make some money, recover fully and then i am going to travel, live life to the fullest, find my happiness, my soul mate, be fulfilled. but for now i need to cry ...
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